38 Theo Von Quotes- Best Theoisms and Funny Jokes

I am a big fan of stand-up comedy (and comedy in general) and Theo von is one of my favorite comedians and podcast hosts/guest. In fact I think he is the funniest currently active comedian. His comedy style is so unique and it just makes you laugh and spreads happiness, similar to that of the great Norm Mcdonald. But of course, he has his own style, and his jokes are so out of pocket and unexpected and sometimes he’s just talking and not even trying to be funny, while people around him are holding their stomachs and rolling in laughter. Below are some of his most memorable quotes-

“A ferret is the limousine of rats”

“A mountain is just a gang of land. It’s basically the MS-13 of dirt.”

“A bridge is just a brave road if you think about it”

Chili’s… they say it’s like Mexican, but it’s really like if all the people in your high school got together and opened a restaurant.

“Don’t be afraid to laugh, that’s just god shakin ya and making a little noise with ya”

“Dude, you’d pay 8” (to Joe Rogan)

“Echo what do you think dude? I will say this. Bro, for someone named Echo you don’t even repeat much”

“This your show dude? You’re like a drunk driver but in a kitchen” (Theo to Bert Keischer on his Cooking Show)

“Fish are just uh.. water cattle”

“I had a friend whose father made him a shirt out of wood.”

“I got bit by a black widow at the bus stop the other day….she was in her 40’s

“I grew up poor. I knew some dudes with sweaters… but I was two tanktops in the winter”

“I know where honey comes from…. from trees brother.”

“I look like Tom Brady and Shrek”

“I never wanted to be a fish man, my whole life” (on Joe Rogan’s podcast, had Jamie laughing too)

“I was so hungry, I could hear a piece of bread fold from 80 feet away”

“I wish I had white privilege. Sign me up. I knew dudes who have it, I know dudes who wear sweaters.

“I think what you’re saying is really true Cat, that yea. It’s like, uh what did you say again?”

“I’ve got a heart of a lesbian, that’s what they told me when I was young”

“I’m from the South! 2nd place in the Civil War!!”

“I’m not telling anybody. I got that secret in my mouth boy” (during the Cooking show when the other two were asking him if it tasted good)

“If it can be killed by a frisbee, it’s not a dog”

“If you get a couple of sawed-off humans to blow leche outta their dome, that’s America right there”

“Indiana is really a good place to maybe pull over on the side of the road and think about some of the choices you’ve made”

“Man keurig is turnin these men into ballerinas. I’ll drink ten cups and take a nap boy”

“New Jersey I’d say is one of the top 50 states.”

“Nothing changes, if nothing changes.”

“Stephanie I think her name was or Jessica, which is basically the same name. Can we shut one of those names down?”

“Soon everybody had turtlenecks. People were cutting the sleeves off. The necks off. Cutting the turtle off. People were grilling them. They thought they were made of real turtles. Making turtle soup out of them. It was different times back then”

“Something’s burning and it’s a ginger. Let’s see the heat… Look at that ginger steam coming off him huh! The Red Smoke baby! Do ’em boy! Do ’em you little ginger” (Theo talking about Andrew Santino while he was doing 50 pushups)

Talking about dropping a hitchhiker- “Catch and release son!”

“That’s not a haircut, that’s all you got left bruh!”

“The Dutch are very aerodynamic. If you tape one in front of a plane, it wouldn’t be that hard on ’em. The downhill people they call ’em dude.” (on Joe Rogan’s podcast)

Theo while going turkey hunting: “And who’s the other team?” Other guy: “It’s just us… just us.” and proceeds to take the gun away from him.

“This the type of music you’d wash a baby to”

“When I see somebody in a Prius, sure, you drive a Prius and you get good gas mileage, but you probably feel like you drive a Prius.”

While talking about someone who had 8 children “8 kids? Damn.. if he got up in the night for a glass of water that’s 16 roller skates he could potentially trip over.”

“You are an inmate who is not locked up if you are eating ice-cream with a fork”

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